Time For Some New Cheese

It’s that time of year when we make largely unfulfilled promises about how we’ll be better in the next 365 days than we were in the year or lifetime past. I’m not big on resolutions, so there’ll be no promises here to spend less, save more, get off the computer or work out. In fact, today is the last day of my gym membership after years of consistent grunting and sweating. It’s not that I’m giving up exercise, I just can get it done for less than $600 per year. Rather than opt for the grandeur of an annual made-to-be-broken resolution, I try to improve myself a little bit every day.

Most of the cliché resolutions like smoking cessation or diet don’t make it to halftime of the Rose Bowl. Steve Levinson, co-author of the book Following Through says, “One in four resolutions bites the dust within a week. About half of them are gone within a month.” Why? It’s just really hard for human beings to change. For more on the difficulty of implementing change for individuals and organizations, check out Strategy and the Fat Smoker by professional services guru, David Maister. It’s at a site called changethis.com that’s filled with creative “manifestos” on a variety of interesting topics.

Yesterday, after a nice run over the rolling hills of the golf course that is the back yard of my brothers home in West Chester, PA, I absorbed “Who Moved My Cheese,” by Spencer Johnson, MD. Certainly not everyone appreciated the tome, but I’ve spent less productive hours, and discovering one page was worth my time…


















Think about that question… What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Would you:
- risk speaking the truth?
- get a new job?
- start that business?
- leave a dead-end relationship and move on?
- talk to her/him?
- say “I love you?”
- write the book?
- step up?

What would you do?

In 2007, I hope you all have the courage to fully embrace the potential of your life.

“Our doubts are traitors,
and make us lose the good we oft might win,
by fearing to attempt.”
- William Shakespeare

Cleaning Out the Cupboard...

Yesterday I spent some of my “vacation” tearing up a pile of junk mail and paying bills. Tying up the loose ends of the year, I suppose. Now I'll shred the “blog ideas” that never became a post of their own…

So… I Skate To Where the Puck Is…
I dislike the silly cliché’s we tend to use in business. They infect workplace culture and end up distorting communications with customers to the point where they have no idea what we’re talking about. Instead of bloviating, “We empower organizations to leverage business tools to maximize blah, blah, blah…,” why can’t we plainly state, “We provide you software that works and smart people to help you use it.” I do agree, “The most effective companies are masters of the mundane,” or as my friend Barb would say, “they’re good at getting the boring stuff right.”

You are known by the bagel that you keep…
Last week I called my favorite bagel shop at 5:30am to order a bagel platter for a holiday brunch at work…

Me: “Hi, this is Leo. I usually come in every morning. I’d like to order a platter for pickup this morning.”
Bagel Lady: “Leo… Hmmm… What do you usually order?”
Me: (without hesitation) “Poppy, untoasted with Scallion and Bacon.”
Bagel Lady: “Oh, hi! Now I recognize your voice.”

A for effort?
Can you be good at something if the results of your efforts are not? Is trying enough?

10 and 2

“We're soldiers; but we're American soldiers. We've been kickin' ass for 200 years. We're 10 and 1.” - Bill Murray as John Winger in Stripes (1981)

It’s over in Iraq. It’s been over for quite some time, but our administration isn’t capable of acknowledging there are limits to American power and they happened to pick a fight where that fact would result in more American deaths than on 9/11. Incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has said, “impeachment is off the table,” but isn’t lying about WMD’s just a wee-willie bit worse than lying about an intern in your pants? That’s how the then Republican House impeached Bill Clinton. There’s a litany of charges against “Dubya and Dick” that are far more serious and harmful to you, me and the planet we share. The decision to go into Iraq has been called the worst foreign policy decision in the history of the republic and the Washington Post has named George Bush the worst president ever… Thank you red states and the 87% of Evangelicals who voted for President Bush in 2004. He panders to your opposition to abortion and stem-cell research, then brings death and destruction to millions. How do you reconcile that?

The Blackness of Oil
The Bush apologists justify the mess in Iraq by saying we rid the world of a ruthless dictator who killed his own people. Ever hear of Darfur? The Bush Administration has talked about Darfur… calling the atrocities carried out by the Sudanese government and its Janjaweed militias genocide. Why not “walk the talk” there? Two reasons: They’re black but they’re not oil.

“Lighten up, Francis.”
Yep, the world we live in can be a very cruel place. The “rest of the story” from Kyle’s concert last week is that some mean-spirited girls were making fun of the boy the day before the show and scratched to unplayable the CD he was to sing along with. In fact, the next morning the replacement CD cut out about 90 seconds into the song and we didn’t think he’d be able to continue. About 10 minutes later, a scrambling school staffer came up with another copy and Kyle sang his heart out. See? I’m not all darkness. Let’s keep the fun going… Here are 15 things you don't know about your penis (if you have one).

To close out this 300th post, I’ll answer the questions posed by “M” and “Jeff…”

What about blogging has surprised you the most? It is surprisingly difficult to write on a regular basis.

Has blogging helped you? Oh yeah, it’s a great mental exercise. I tend to research topics quite a bit, so learning is a big part of it. It’s also therapeutic as an outlet for thoughts and feelings. In some ways I’m seeking a catharsis and hope this space helps me experience it. As I advise my daughters about overcoming adversity in life, I need to heed it, overcome self-imposed disabilities and learn how to live.

Once Upon a December

I often use this space in a futile attempt to describe with words what a special young man Mr. Kyle Daley is. Now you can experience it for yourself. Merry Christmas.

300

300 posts. It’s not 300 big league wins, but I’m sure many a blogger hopeful crashed and burned far short of the mark. My 300th is coming up, and to mark the occasion, I want to post about something you want to read about.

What should I write about for my 300th post?

C’mon, challenge me. This can also answer the question, “Who the hell visits here?” After all, “Blogs enable you to have a relationship with your public, whatever that public is.” - Jeff Jarvis , author, Buzz Machine... Whatever that is.

While you ponder that for 44 seconds, here’s a riveting report about how Bill Clinton tried to kill Santa. Bastard!

Beer and Nuts

Last night I attended a going away gathering for a work acquaintance. While there, I sipped a beer and chatted with a woman I’ve worked with for a few years who’s political views are… Well, Donald Rumsfeld is the man of her dreams. “I just love him,” she said last night. As we were chatting she exclaimed, “Did you hear about the Democratic Senator who might die?” Her implication was that if Sen. Tim Johnson (D – SD) does succumb to bleeding in the brain caused by arteriovenous malformation, that South Dakota Republican Gov. Michael Rounds would certainly name a Republican to replace Senator Johnson. That would create a 50-50 split in the Senate between Donkeys and Elephants with the tiebreaker being a dick… Dick Cheney. Her glee in telling me the news was not really shocking. When we worked in adjacent offices, I’d often say to her, “Goodnight Ann,” a reference to the right-wing bitch from hell, Ann Coulter. My response came in an instant: “Well, if he is severely brain damaged, perhaps he’ll start voting with the Republicans.”

Santa's Little Helper IV

It's not all about presents, and the internet is proving to be very helpful with all sorts of holiday solutions.

About 40 years ago, I saw Santa Claus Conquers the Martians in a theater. Even as a young'n, I knew it was one of the worst films ever. Enjoy!

Angry Musical Chairs

Northampton, MA is a very lesbian-friendly place. Last night as Jeff and I dined and walked the streets of the cool little arts haven before a tremendous Pernice Brothers show, we saw plenty of them. Fat lesbians, skinny lesbians, lesbians that climb on rocks. Tough lesbians, sissy lesbians, even lesbians with… Well, you get the point. I joked that we should have had a lesbian band back in the Tar Hut Records days when several of our bands were from the NoHo area. “They also could have been called ‘the Ex-Husbands.’” One of our bands actually was called “the Ex-Husbands,” but they were three guys from… Nevermind.

The line into the Iron Horse for the 10:00 show was about 87 deep, but it moved reasonably quickly and soon we were looking for a seat in a room that was like one big game of musical chairs. We spotted two chairs in the second row of tables dead center in front of the stage. “Hi, is anyone sitting in these two chairs,” I asked. One of two women sitting at the table looked indignantly at me and said, “My feet are on one of those chairs.” I see… “Well, do you mind if we sit in them?” “My feet are comfortable. There are other chairs.” At that point, Jeff said, “Let’s go,” and mumbled something about “evil.” I said, “Hey, thanks” and walked away, but I was really pissed at the rudeness.

About an hour later, as Jeff and I were perched perfectly in the front row of the balcony and sitting on a cushioned futon, I noticed the two women embracing and doing the “goo-goo, ga-ga” thing, and I thought, someday that hater will turn her invective on the girlfriend and it won’t be a pretty sight. I don’t really care about someone’s personal preferences, but damn, how about a little simple courtesy? Maybe she was angry about lesbian jokes…

Live a Little...

I think I will... Jeffro and I head West imminently to enjoy a fine dining experience in NoHo and then settle into the Iron Horse to see the Pernice Brothers. Actually, Joe is the only Pernice full-time in the band as his brother Bob “comes and goes as he pleases.” I don’t think it’s a Gallagher brothers thing… Anyway, I’m doing my thing to support the band, so why don’t you do yours? Their new record is the title of this post and is available from the band’s site or at your local CD store. You can live a little right now by immersing yourself in the big budget video of the hit single, “Somerville.” Hey, while you’re there, check out a full stream of “Snow” from “Discover a Lovelier You.” Rocks.

Abstract Christmas

The calm in the darkness on my edge of town was jostled by a restless psyche at 4:00am. Since then I’ve devoured all there is to read in my Bloglines feeds and then veered off into blogs discussing SAP’s recent analysts conference and their strategy for small to mid-sized businesses (SMB). WTF? What’s wrong with me? I should still be snug in my bed with anything but SMB dancing in my head. Speaking of SAP, their small business TV ads portray the owners as dopes with their eyes widened at the mere thought of having SAP in their business.

How to I segue from that to abstract art? Oh, Jackson Pollock. A recent article tells the tale of some drip who thinks he found some Pollock’s in a mayonnaise jar kept on Funk And Wagner’s porch… or something like that. That article led me to this one about the house he shared with wife, Lee Krasner, and then I got thinking about whether he ever did anything with a Christmas theme. That was probably pretty naive of me given the darkness he lived in, so after finding no such work, I searched further and hit a mother lode.









My Christmas by Luiza Vizoli was the first piece found, but like striking gold, if you keep digging and following the vein, the value of your find increases. Burrowing like the beaver in Caddyshack, I dug up A Grand Don’t Come for Free by Jaime Lyn Zatloukal – Best.

These, and many other fabulous paintings can be found at EBSQ an online art association and community of independent artists offering original art at incredibly reasonable prices. Check it out.

OK, that’s it for this morning. Now it’s time to put up the tree and start my “Ten Part Mental Fitness Program.” I may have to push that one to 11...

Santa’s Little Helper III

Tonight’s search for “Santa’s Little Helper” turned up Mr. Potatoe Head, the Dan Quayle Edition.

Let’s get this party started with a perfect gift for any pal planning a traditional Christmas beer bash! Now, many of you are looking for more sophisticated gifts to um, present at the swanky parties you attend. Me, I lean toward either the nostalgic or purely intellectual gift. Then again, you may opt for something edgy and high-tech, but with a “humanoid personality.” In any case, you can’t go wrong with any of these impressive holiday tokens.

You know, the holidays are one of the most romantic times of the year. In 2006, I think it would be just swell if some of you more progressive women got on bended knee and gave your man one of these.

Even the holidays have a downside, and Mr. Glass Half-Full is here to point out a solution. Yep, after the egg-nogs, cookies and pork rinds, this can help you manage away the holiday wreath that’s grown around your waist.

Oops, I almost forgot to note the next holiday film feature from “Fifteenkey’s Film Festivus.” This is the Daley boys favorite clip from “Elf.” “Look at you!”

Yes, the Greatest Generation

Of course none of us know when we might see someone, smile, or say “I love you” for the last time, but for some of “the greatest generation,” today is a day to say goodbye.

Girl, Interrupted

I was under the impression that “28 days” was some rehab term, but I guess it’s an old one. So many people are fucked up these days treatment facilities can’t handle the volume if they give people 28 days. Whatever. I suppose the 28 days was the time it took to get shit out of your system and then try to resume a normal life. When I searched the term it brought up the IMDB link to the film and interestingly one person posted a comment comparing it to “Girl, Interrupted.” Having never seen it, I read a little...

I think I’m looking for some kind of answer, but fuck it. Sometimes you just have to laugh. Here’s a little exchange between Angelina Jolie (Lisa) and Whoppi Goldberg (Valerie):

Lisa: Take one fuckin' step and I'll jam this in my aorta.
[aiming a pen at her neck]
Valerie: Lisa, your aorta is in your chest.
Lisa: Good to know.

Wet Dream

Last night I dreamt of driving toward lower Manhattan when suddenly the streets were flowing like those in Venice. Suddenly, and seemingly without warning, the water was up to my shoulders and everything in the car was under it. Sitting at a basketball court drying off in the sun, I wasn’t feeling any particular loss over the car, but was seriously bummed out about my laptop and camera, which was spewing water out of every opening like in the Three Stooges short when the boys pose as plumbers at a fancy home where mayhem rightly ensues. When someone asks the black cook for a glass of water, his classic response is, “Water? Turn on anything; you’ll get it!”

I miss the filmstrip…

Wikipedia has a decent definition of the medium and states they “were shown mostly to the baby boomer generation schoolkids of the U.S. and U.K. during the 1960s, 1970s, and the early 1980s.” Yeah, I’d be in that demographic.

I saw “A Christmas Story” today with Kyle, and the “Warren G. Harding” school depicted looked eerily like my own Greenwood Elementary back in the 60’s. My research turned up a couple filmstrip examples, and they starkly depict the difference in our culture then and now.

“Sharing With Neighbors” is a must-see classic and clearly a product of the 50’s or early 60’s; a truly innocent time for many Americans. Contrasting it is “American Civics Volume II,” a humorless spoof of the medium that saddens me even though its political leaning is not contrary to mine.

I miss the filmstrip…

Santa’s Little Helper II

In my Bloglines RSS feed reside several consumer sites including The Bargainist, AntiRebate, DealNews and my favorite, TechBargains. Occasionally some real deals pass my retinal nerve and I feel compelled to pass them on. It must be the holiday spirit or something… I also think it only good form to keep my Santa’s Little Helper a multimedia extravaganza, so I’ve included appropriate imagery and a holiday film clip for your enjoyment. On Dasher! On Nixon!

At this time of year, many of you will be faced with the “Holiday Party Guestlist Dilemna.” I think you know what I mean. Heck, I may be on your “naughty list” of people you really don’t want to invite, but feel obligated to. I’m here to help. First, send the invitation. Second, slip a strong laxative into the drink or appetizer (I cannot spell Hors de overs…). About thirty minutes later, install the "Toilet Monster." I expect your “only invited ‘cuz I had to” guest will both not use your facilities and will have to leave your party immediately. Hey, let me know how it goes.

Another classy party tool is now available from a liquidation sale of former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski leftover from a big birthday bash he threw for his now ex-wife with company money. I bet he wishes he still had this in the big house.

Say your buddies are out of town and won’t be coming over for the big game, beer and pork rinds. This ingenious stand-in for male bonding will keep you yucking it up until the boys are back in town.

Another quandry of some men and some women is when the girlfriend is away. No problem if you have the Girlfriend Pillow. Of course another option is silicone breast implants which are back on the market after recent FDA approval, bit I guess those would have to be considered Girlfriend Pillows…

Finally, let those weenie cut and run Democrats drive a Prius. Raw-meat eating Republicans need to make their own personal statement on their war on terror. Buy your favorite neo-con one of these and you can tool around the neighborhood crushing those wimpy green machines. As one reviewer put it, “Finally a tank you can trust.”

As promised, here’s the first ever clip from a series I’m calling “Fifteenkey’s Film Festivus.” Tonights clip is from “Bad Santa,” a Christmas classic that sits on the holiday film spectrum far, far, far on the opposite side from, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Yes, this Santa is very bad. Enjoy!