Fresh Squeezed

I think we can all agree not nearly enough is written about toothpaste. You know, think globally, act orally. I mean, imagine how much more unpleasant all those annoying friends, relatives, in-laws and especially close-talkers would be if not for Mentadent or Tom’s of Maine?

It amazes me how our senses can cause memory flashbacks to a time when we smelled, heard or tasted something memorable. For example, the smell of fresh pine in the Spring brings me back to an early game of catch, and hearing Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band” conjures up images of my lifelong friend Mike Gonnella dancing at a party one night Sophomore year in High School in nothing but his whitey-tighties, but I’m swerving somewhere we don’t want to go. Let’s get back between the white lines.

Last week I bought a new Crest flavor called “Citrus Splash.” The consumer product marketeers have absolutely nailed me with this orange thing. I have Citrus Listerine, Ultra Palmolive with Orange Extracts and even Orange Pledgewipes. I don’t drink orange juice anymore though. Too many useless carbs. Anyway, as soon as the Crest Citrus splashed onto my tastebuds, I was sent reeling into a Time Tunnel visit back to high school when people drank Tang because supposedly Gemini astronauts did and every bad drinking story usually went like this:

Hero #1: “Did you hear that freak Johnson puked his guts out at the Youth Center?”
Hero #2: (Laughing) “Too many beers?”
Hero #1: “Tango. All over the juke-box.”
Hero #2: “Mah-Don” (Hero #2 was Italian) “Tango… No wonder.”
Freak: (Off in the distance yelling) “F&^%ing heroes s%ck!!!”
Hero #1: “Loser.”
Hero #2: “Pussy. I’ll kick his…”

Yeah, Tango was a cheap, pre-mixed screwdriver drink that tasted like Tang but was mostly alcohol. I don’t think they make the stuff anymore, but back when That 70’s Show was real, Tango could really ruin a Friday night (and most of a Saturday...). So, if you’re a late baby-boomer, try Crest Citrus Splash. It’ll take you back.